Where is the Love?

Look Inward


Where do I start?

All the good stuff that we've been through is erased by your memory of how inadequate I am based on your standards

All the sweet moments we gathered unknowingly turned bitter since you were being not seen by how you wanted to be validated

So that pretty much, renders all the outpourings into the relationship redundant

This cumbersome journey of us morphing into light warriors was only undertaken by you as a cosmic responsibility, nothing else, right?

Maybe... a cosmic joke..

But...

All the times I tried to cajole instead of wearing the avoidant badge, it was not even a mini victory but a step towards being human.

So, you can even surge up to demoralising the codes of humanness now?

I lay appalled by how you remain frigid to my love and effort to soften you

But you stand so strong in your ground like an apocalyptic mummified cat

Here I am trying to proclaim my heart to your bleeding ears

Here I am trying to revive something we had in the past

Here I am trying to build momentum for us to converge into each other's visionary timeline

Here I am propelling what I thought was support and care onto you but you sited those as unwanted disclosures of attention

Here I am embodying love, not for the sake of it but because deep down I truly feel that towards your soul but my expression always rendered you feeling meh...

You were not touched by the least,

Even that frozen dead ball of fur would whisper sweet nothings

I thought I was doing it wrong

I thought I was not good enough for this paradigm

I thought I was not showing the signs of a dutiful committer

I thought you were teaching me how to do it right

I thought I was only projecting my wounded personality onto you

Was I ? Am I?

I thought...

Fuck, who cares what I thought about how and who I should be with you?

You made me ponder and second-guess a lot about me

I drove myself mad trying to feel like I deserved this: there is a higher attunement to this learning now

You 'd rove me into a tunnel of what-ifs when I couldn't reach you with my words and feels

You ravaged the field and when it was time to sow new seeds together, you pretended that you never signed up for this

You pretended that you weren't part of this navigation but we set out sailing together

You acted as if I was too much to handle

You made me believe that I was weighing you down with my love

You became stern and indifferent to my love

You denied any expression of love

You were rid of all possible ounces of it

Because you didn't have a clear channel within you

And guess what, neither did I...

We were both reenacting our lack of self-love in an old container of sweetness

We were just letting our inner child come out to play but in turn, their hurt turned into grown-up squabbles and unresolved issues

Something worth learning about but not this way...